Pompeii

So much to say that I don't know where to begin. My original plan is in the toilet, so I will just start from this point in time and forget about what I wanted to do in the past.

It is time for me to accept the truth. My marriage is over. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I'm way behind on blogging for various reasons, but the last two fights we had put the nail in the coffin. I want to work it out, and for the life of me I can not begin to fathom why, considering my soul mate is still single and the timer is winding down on that. There is just so much wrong with us. We both feel that the other one is not giving enough and not trying hard enough.

My thoughts are so scattered that I can not put things together properly. He said that I am literally killing him. I've given him a heart murmur. He said that he's tired of trying. The way he makes me feel is so unreal. He says that I do things to hurt him out of spite, which I do, but it's just my response to the things that he does. How dare he say that it's not intentional, like my actions, when he continues to do them despite me making it very clear how it makes me feel? He describes my actions and words as stabbing him in the back, but he's stabbing me in my heart daily. I just want to get away and never look back because he puts me in such a dark place. A place that I promised myself I'd never go again. He just makes me feel like I'm the worst person on Earth. It just makes me want to kill myself right in front of him. I pictured and planned my suicide way too many times because of this man. I don't understand why I won't leave. What the fuck is tethering me here? It's not like I even love him half as much as a love Chi.

To be continued.... (seriously)

Finally Caught Up

So today I can finally finish my posts that I still remember what I was going to say and start posting daily. I still have a lot on my plate today, but I am determined to find the balance. Still have to clean the kitchen, dust, clean the bathrooms, clean the office, wash clothes, cook, and workout, but I am closer than ever to getting back to the old me. A girl who works out daily, weighs less than 130lbs, and keeps the house clean. I got to stop letting my lack of energy get in my way. I hate that I have to take diet pills to keep myself focused and energized, but right now I have to do what works for me because I'm sick of changing medications and this combination works for me. I know what I have to do to improve over all and that is get a job. I need something that I view as a big responsibility to help keep me on track. I just have to wait until I move. Patience is a virtue.

Making time

I haven't had time to finish my to be continued post or make new posts despite that fact that I do "nothing" all day. My time management skills need work. But for now the goal is to finish them next week and from that point on post daily. Not that anyone cares. I just want to have a record for myself.