Pompeii

So much to say that I don't know where to begin. My original plan is in the toilet, so I will just start from this point in time and forget about what I wanted to do in the past.

It is time for me to accept the truth. My marriage is over. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I'm way behind on blogging for various reasons, but the last two fights we had put the nail in the coffin. I want to work it out, and for the life of me I can not begin to fathom why, considering my soul mate is still single and the timer is winding down on that. There is just so much wrong with us. We both feel that the other one is not giving enough and not trying hard enough.

My thoughts are so scattered that I can not put things together properly. He said that I am literally killing him. I've given him a heart murmur. He said that he's tired of trying. The way he makes me feel is so unreal. He says that I do things to hurt him out of spite, which I do, but it's just my response to the things that he does. How dare he say that it's not intentional, like my actions, when he continues to do them despite me making it very clear how it makes me feel? He describes my actions and words as stabbing him in the back, but he's stabbing me in my heart daily. I just want to get away and never look back because he puts me in such a dark place. A place that I promised myself I'd never go again. He just makes me feel like I'm the worst person on Earth. It just makes me want to kill myself right in front of him. I pictured and planned my suicide way too many times because of this man. I don't understand why I won't leave. What the fuck is tethering me here? It's not like I even love him half as much as a love Chi.

To be continued.... (seriously)