See the way my blog is set up...

So because I'm a re re I sometimes feel the need to explain myself. I don't know if anyone cares, but I'm just going to break down some of my common blogging practices in a post.

The title of each post is basically my core point of the post, or how I feel overall, or the random thought that enters my mind when I decide to post, which is a loose association. In some cases the title is a reference to something else. For example this title refers to a popular Kevin Hart joke [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fR-TyOSEJ8 4:10 ish.] <------indicates extra information

Usually when I'm typing there are other thoughts going through my head. Sometimes I feel the need to share them and those thoughts are shown like this: Do you really think anyone cares about the way your blog is setup. Not really, but I felt the need to do this post so I'm going to do this post. It's my blog so I can write what I want. Bold indicates me raising my voice with extra emphasis. CAPS OF COURSE IS YELLING ;).


Haven't done this yet, but highlighted text is something I want to grab my attention when I reread the post.

And that's it! Laters. That was pointless. You can't seriously think that counts as posting daily? You forgot to mention using different colors for each voice. I guess you're just gonna keep lumping us together as one enity as if we where Legion or some shit. Okay then be like that.

Signs your marriage is over

So I was just doing some research to prove to myself what I already know. Right now I see my marriage as a game. The objective of this game is to see how far the pachyderm [it's a game you so you have to have character choices, duh], which carries all of our baggage, can get while trying to navigate the paper-thin sheet of ice that covers an underwater minefield. The elephant [I want it to be an elephant in this case for various reasons that I will not go into detail about] usually makes it to the exact spot and has the exact same problems, so naturally the poor creature explodes under the weight of the baggage. Oh, I forgot to mention that as the pachyderm crosses then minefield more RNG [random number generator-basically a phrase to explain mechanics in game that will happen, but it is randomly determined how or when it will happen] baggage is added to increase the pressure. I get stuck at the continue screen for various amounts of time, and just when I think it's over and I'm ready to quit the game, I hit continue.

So here are random excerpts from articles I read today:

1. You no longer, have anything in common.

Do you and your partner spend hours together under the same roof, at social engagements or performing routine errands, yet rarely engage in meaningful conversation? Living in silence is a primary symptom of major marital problems.

2. You can do no right.

Do you feel like your every action is being watched and criticized by your partner? Can you do no right in their eyes? Do you feel intimidated or afraid because of your partners constant criticism? Too often partners will funnel larger relationship issues into negative criticism of day-to-day tasks.

5. Looking for distractions from the problems.

If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.

6. Arguing over the same subject repeatedly.

If your arguments become routine with all the same issues and no resolution, then your marriage is either standing still or dying fast. You may need the assistance of a professional counselor to help find solutions to the problems that don't seem to go away.

7. Intimacy is a thing of the past.

A considerable decline in physical affection is one of the most recognized symptoms of a failing relationship. Intimacy is the act that allows us to bond as husband and wife. If your partner is showing no or very little interest in having sex with you then they are showing little concern for their emotional bond with you as a husband/wife.

[There were seven items in this list http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/signsyourmarriageisover/tp/warningsigns.htm. Moving on.]

•  put aside goals you have set for yourself,
• isolates you from friends and family,
• limits what you are allowed to do for entertainment,
• constantly nag to get what you want and need,
• make excuses for your spouse’s behavior,
• feel as if you have to walk on eggshells,
• let go of who you are as an individual,
• worry constantly over the problems in the marriage,
• question yourself over and over again about why you are still there.

[There were 11 items in this list http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/f/divorc_time.htm.

Highlighted items may be due to my disorder. Moving on.]

Money problems. Most couples argue over bills, debt, spending, and other financial issues.

Sex. Frequency, quantity, quality, and infidelity are all common sources of stress and disharmony in a marriage.

Time apart. Time apart and a lack of quality time together serves to get people out of sync with each other.

Household Responsibilities. - Many couples argue over equitable distribution of household work, and how to do it. Instead of sitting down and dividing household chores fairly they quibble over who did or didn’t do what.

Friends. 

Irritating habits.

Expectations.

Personality conflicts. Is your personality ruining your marriage? There are personality traits that can doom a marriage to failure. Are you a conflict avoider? Do you like to “one-up your spouse? Do you bend over backwards to please your spouse, neglecting your needs in the process? If you answered yes to any of these, you need to work on changes these negative personality traits.

[This was a 10 item list. http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/qt/marital_discord.htm]

Your partner can’t see the reality of your marriage

If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it.

Your spouse sees how thing are, but doesn’t care

You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over.

You don’t connect with your spouse

When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. 

You have different visions of the future of your marriage

He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).

You’re not physically intimate (not always a sign your marriage is over)

This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health – but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.

You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage

If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is.

[Another seven item list http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/is-my-marriage-over-ways-to-tell-if-your-spouse-is-ending-the-relationship]


Yea... I'm just going to end this post here.

On a lighter note

So I never thought I'd be a groupie, but Childish Gambino got me feeling like I can totally be a groupie.  I feel better right now, but I feel that today may be filled with rants.

I have to say this

I never thought that I would have another female best friend because my past has shown me that you can grow apart from someone you've been "best friends" with since the age of five (my first best friend). I thought I found a true best friend in my second best friend because although we were apart after high school we'd still kept in touch, up until like five years ago. I had to face the realization that I could no longer call her my best friend three years ago, seeing as none of my contact information has changed, but she no longer wishes me a happy birthday or calls just because. Now I know that works two ways, but I've never missed telling her happy birthday, and I've tried contacting her through the channels I had available to me.

Years later I met this other girl. Didn't really like her at first because she appeared to be the typical annoying female. She just put of this vibe like she was thinking "Who the fuck are you? and What makes you so special?", so my walls went up, but me being the kind of person I am I still kept an open mind. Needless to say we weren't buddy buddy instantly. In fact I actually can't remember how it happened or when, but I was happy that I had a female best friend again. It was nice having another female to trust other than my mother. I don't why I just let my walls completely down around her without going through the trial period. That choice came back to bite me in the ass. Anywho, I thought she trusted me and I trusted her. I naively thought that she is different from most girls despite the fact that she exhibited the typical traits. *jumps forward*

Alas, a situation came around that helped her show her true colors. Turns out girly really wasn't my friend. Not going deep into it because I know what happened, and let's face it my primary audience right now is me. She got mad at me for trying to help save her relationship. I was friends with both parties at the time, and because of the shit going on in my life I didn't want them to fail over little shit. Don't know if the person I'm talking about will see this, but yes your problems were little shit. Don't care what side of the story you think I know, but all sides scream LITTLE, FIXABLE, AVOIDABLE SHIT! Moving on. I told old girl that I would be telling her partner the things he needed to fix so that I could help him work on said problems. She said okay. Each time she told me something I asked if she told him so I would be sure I wasn't sharing anything new. If she said yes then I made a mental note. So of course I'd talk to him later and ask him about the "public" knowledge. *jumps forward* I'm not sure why exactly we fell out, but to me it seems like she was mad that I was telling him what she said , despite the fact that I repeatedly told her I would. She felt like I would speak for him, but the truth is I never repeated anything he said about the situation, nor did I ever air her dirty laundry to him, but she treats me as if I did. *jumps forward* So, at the time I was like whatever. She's mad because she's stressed and feeling pressure from all sides. I tried to give her space, but I guess it wasn't enough. But as the time passed and we didn't make up the picture became clearer and clearer. She wasn't a real friend and girly never really gave a fuck about me, trusted me, or understood me for this shit to happen the way it did.

I must say it hurt me at first because this whole mess started because she lied. I mean like framing someone on a police report lied to me when she didn't even have to. I don't have time for people who lie when they don't have to. I don't have space in my fucked up world for people who don't trust me enough to tell me the truth. *jumps forward* The straw that inspired this post and cause me to "dead" her was the fact that she owed me money. Never have I ever brought it up about getting it back, because I didn't need it, but the moment I did old girl lied to me again. It's been more than two weeks since I asked for it. Well, maybe she doesn't have it. Chick got two jobs, technically, and two Fridays have passed. Well, she has responsibilities so maybe she can't spare it. Hmm, she hitting the club up every night it seems so I think she has disposable income. Well, maybe she doesn't know happened and why you need the money. Yeah, if she ever once actually gave two fucks about me then she would know what's going on. So, no matter how you look at it chick don't care about me, and never did.


Now that that has been said, I'm good. I need the money, but keep the money. I want nothing else to do with you. If you are ever so inclined to extract your cranium from your anal canal remember this: your choices, your life, your mistakes, your regrets. You decided to let go of a good thing because it's stocks are down right now. You abandoned the real friends for the people living that life that is so shiny to you right now. You don't like the life of responsibility you created, and now want to run from it. The people you wronged will never ever treat or see you the same. You will NEVER be able to repair the damage you've done.


*steps down* *drops mic* *keeps it moving*

Edit: I refuse to let someone rent or own space in my mind and heart if I can't at least visit for extended periods in his/hers. Light switch is forever stuck in the off position.

I'm not ready.

The purpose of this blog was for me to chronicle, daily, my experiences being a housewife who suffers from mental illness so I can later inspire myself to write the book I've been dreaming of since I was ten. However, things are not going as planned. I can't bring myself to write daily because it makes me cry every time that I do. It's like by writing about it I can't ignore how fucked up my life is. Although, I don't think you can call it a life. I'm really just a waste of space that should have offed herself back when I had the courage to be "selfish" instead of half-assing it out of fear of leaving too much of a mess. I'm not ready to face reality because when I really think about things it gets me so depressed that killing myself seems like the best option. I'm not cut out for this world. It's funny to me how I cared and believed so much when I was a kid, but the world and the events of my life have left me a mere husk of the girl I once was. I wanted to be great. Not for fame or fortune, but great like Buddha, Confucius, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King to name a few. I wanted to inspire people to change the world for the better. I had such high hopes as a child. I wanted show that one person can make a difference, I wanted to be the first female president, I wanted to believe that racism no longer existed, and that separation of church and state was real. I wanted to be great. But now I'm content with a life of suffering and mediocrity. Now, I only have hopes of some random act removing me from the face of the Earth. Most people thank God for waking up in the morning, but I curse this being that I no longer believe in for possibly allowing me to wake up another day. I wanted to be great. Now, I just want to die quietly in my sleep.