Woah

So on our way to my mom place we had the deepest conversation we have ever had in seven years of being with each other. I learned so much. I learned how my war mentality fueled his insecurities. I learned how it is wrong for me to treat him like enemey number one the moment he pisses me off. Granted these are things I should know already. To be continued....

Under the influence

So things have been good so far, but I can't help but wonder how long this will last. When I look at him I remember all the things he has done, and it infuriates me. However, when he looks back at me my rage melts away. I don't know if I'm just holding an unreasonable grudge or if it's justified. I tell him all the time that he needs to let stuff go so the same should apply to me right? But how am I supposed to know when the line is drawn? The things I told him to let go are one time occurrences where I goofed, but he is a repeat offender.  Well he's next to me now. To be continued...

Half-assed/ I'm a sucker; I am Sisyphus

My post are always behind because I have to wait for him to be gone or asleep. So Monday he offered me a very half-assed apology. After not speaking to me for two days he thinks he can buy his way back in with Skyrim. Honestly it would have worked had he not prefaced his apology with, "I am not apologizing for the dishwasher. I am apologizing for blowing up at you." Okay. Well since you are offering a half-assed apology and still can not understand my feelings/complaints then I will just continue to not wear my ring and plot behind your back to leave you. Just because you are coming with me to see my family /friends again does not change a darn thing because we both know you just did it because you are worried about all the things I could do without your watchful eye, and would never ever tell you about. We both know you just need my car now that yours needs to be in the shop again because of all the failed, unnecessary aftermarket "upgrades" you made to your car, that have costed us almost as much to remove/repair as it did to buy/install.   I will admit that I take things to the extreme, but after almost seven years of knowing me you haven't realized that? Why would you just remove the pin from a grenade and not think you would need to dispose of the grenade before it blows up in your face?  I am not ashamed to admit that I am a cold, calculating, evil, heartless bitch because I was practically raised by wolves, but I have this flip side that is completely opposite that dominates since I did not agree with the "pack mentality". However, when I get angry I revert to the "pack mentality". The "pack mentality" refers to my upbringing and how I was taught to respond to situations, although it would more accurately be described as "lone wolf mentality". I have deemed it "pack mentality" because both of my parents taught me to be this way. I will elaborate on that another day because it deserves its own post. Basically, after that half-assed apology I went back to Plan A: Phase 1, which was going through the motions, but that is another post itself.  I will always have that moment in the back of my mind reminding me not to give too much anymore.

So Tuesday rolls around and we have this big deep talk to understand each other better. As usual I understand his p.o.v. with little elaboration, but I have to breakdown everything for him to understand mine. These talks always end with us making up, but deep down I know a week or two from now it will be the same problems over and over again because he does not listen to me. I tell him important stuff all the time, but he tunes me out. I have basically given this man a manual that explains me, but he won't take the time to "read it" or at less skim through the pages and highlight important stuff. Despite all that I have forgiven him. I'm still plotting my escape, but let's face it.... the truth is I am a sucker. I'm always going to make excuses for him and place the blame on me. I am Sisyphus, the rock is my marriage, and the incline my problems.

It is more than loading the dishwasher....

So yesterday we got into a huge fight over the dishwasher.  But how do you get in a fight over a dishwasher?  Well, this dishwasher thing has been a thing since 2009, sadly to say. Being slightly OCD-ish I like to have things a certain way and it bothers me if I don't. It is like it haunts me until it is fixed. I have tried  to see how long I can go without "fixing" things, but no matter how long I leave it the thought of it being wrong lingers in my mind.  Although my apartment is a finite area I need helping cleaning it because my "tendencies" causes things to take way longer than they should, and he creates a new mess daily that sets me back because i have to clean the house in a certain order. He agreed to wash the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. He started tossing things in all willy nilly. I mentioned in a very silly tone how I needed him to learn the way I like it or at least try because he's causing my OCD to flare up. After that statement he just flew off the handle talking about how if he doing the dishes then I should just shut up or do it myself if I want it a certain way. He started complaining how there was no space to put the dishes in anyway and that was my fault for already having dishes in there. But there was more than enough space. I don't run the dw until it is full to try to save money/the planet. So for the 100th time I explained about my upbringing, which seriously contributes to my tendencies, but he wouldn't listen. He completely dismissed me as I tried to explain that it is more than just loading the dw. By him not trying/ doing it the way I like after three years of me mentioning it just says to me that I don't give a fuck about you, your problems, or your feelings. I know I am asking for a little bit much here, but I thought marriage was about compromise, and love meant doing anything you can to make your partner happy. He works with technology for a living; Am I supposed to believe that he's not smart enough to group like objects? I have been loading that dw the same way for three years! I arrange the dishes by color, size, and type, i.e. the plates in the back, in order by size/set, and facing the right so I can remove them faster.

So this fight somehow extended past he dw, and went to the real issues he was having a problem with. See, that's how it works with him, I say one thing that he doesn't like and he will blow it up and reveal a bigger issue. He is off on vacation, we were supposed to go and see his family then see mine. But he never wants to go see my family. In fact he's only been twice, but he had the audacity to say we don't go to see his folks without seeing mine. Excuse me oblivious motherfucker, but where have you been? You have only gone see  my family twice since 2005.  However, we have spent just about every major holiday with his folks since 2005 and any significant amount of vacation time he gets. All because his folks are only four hours away. Well then motherfucker, my folks are only four hours from your folks. 


This fight has caused me to got into fuck it mode. I will use the some of the money I have saved up and go see my family myself. While I am there I will try to find a job because it has become painfully clear to me that he will never change or understand what I go through with my conditions. I realize now that he does not want a wife. He wants a live in maid that he can pork on occasions. So until I can afford to move out that is just what he'll get sans the sex. I am not wearing my rings anymore because as far as I'm concerned I am not married. This thing that we have is not marriage. It's a farce that I am no longer willing to maintain because it is slowly killing me to do so.

I don't ask for much....I think.

One of the most annoying things he does is leave a trail. I can go anywhere he's been and tell what he's done. I spend hours cleaning the kitchen just for him to mess it up by leaving dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter, food wrappers on the counter, open pantry/cabinet doors, and  condiments on the counter just to name a few examples.

I don't think I ask for much. Granted he pays for it, but I go shopping for the month by myself, organize the stuff, cook it, and serve it to him. I believe he could atleast dump the left over portion in the trash, clean the plate, and stick it in the dishwasher.

I wash his clothes and put them up. He could and atleast empty his pockets and put the clothes in the hamper.
He refuses to empty trash of any kind. I just believe since he leaves the house daily it makes sense for him to take it out. I can leave for a week our more and he won't touch a thing related to housework. I just want him to pick up behind himself, clean his bathroom, and take out the trash. Is that too much to ask?

Belated Introduction

There is so much to say that I do not know where to begin. Well, the obvious is that I am a housewife who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and I have Obsessive-compulsive disorder tendencies (I do not meet the full criteria for a diagnosis, but I came pretty close). My blog name stems from my problems dealing with these disorders in my marriage. I get extremely upset because of my husband's actions and total disregard for my feelings.

I have created this blog so I can release my anger in a healthy manner, and also to gain some insight on my situation from outside sources. Hopefully this blog will be cathartic. This blog will contain a lot of bitching. It is just what I do to make myself feel better and it works kinda. My post may make my husband out to be an asshole, but I am writing about the events that happen and my feelings toward them. Sometimes I will include his perspective of the matters if possible. I do not want to make him out to be the bad guy with my bias. I will try to make this as fair as possible. I am wise enough to know that sometimes my head is up my ass, but I just believe in  most of these matters he is wrong. Comments and questions are gladly welcome, but I will not answer questions that will help to identify me in any manner. It is not because I am trying to hide, but because I am trying to get input based on the facts and not the factors. Why would I share my life with strangers?  It is because I no longer want to burden my friends and family with my problems. I would talk it over with my husband, but he does not listen to me and dismisses my feelings. Most of the time this hurts me and makes me feel like I am a waste of flesh.

This blog may be disturbing, sad, depressing, and just plain weird. However, it will showcase my psyche and problems within my marriage. Maybe I can help someone realize they are not alone in there pain. I do not know. I just feel a blog is the perfect format for the book that I was going to write.

So grab some popcorn and enjoy the madness that is me.

Funny

It's so funny to me how I had so much to say, but now that I have had to calm down my anger has disappeared. it's the main reason why I continue to stay. As mean,evil, and bitchy as I am I'm still too forgiving. I still plan to post my introduction spiel though. Just wanting for the inspiration and opportunity to hit me again.

First!

So today is day one that I being to chronicle my madness. I had an entire spiel prepared, but my husband came home early from work so I will have to do my introduction in the wee hours of the night.