The
Things I’ve Wanted to Say
It’s a shame that we have
been together for almost eight years, and yet I do not feel as if I can tell
you my deepest darkest thoughts. I want to share my everything with you, but
you won’t let me. You just shut me down. How can you get mad about me talking
to other people about my problems when you don’t want to hear them? A
relationship cannot work without communication. I try so hard to talk to you so
we can build a healthy relationship, but you don’t respond. I don’t think you
realize how that makes me feel. It makes me feel stupid, like I’m being
annoying, and like you are not interested in me. I feel stupid because I keep
trying to break down the wall between us, but you keep adding more bricks and mortar.
I
know you have your issues, but it’s been eight years and you are not making
progress. It’s not like talking to me is a hard task. As someone you love it
should be so easy. You should want to share every little detail with me. The
fact that you don’t makes me feel as if you are not trying or I’m not the right
one for you. It really hurts me that we can’t connect on such a basic level.
I tell you all the time how
important those little things are to me, but you completely disregard me. I
tell you that you are emotionally abusive, but you refuse to believe it. If someone
tells you how they feel and you ignore, abate, or make them feel ashamed then
you are being emotionally abusive. I have a mental illness and you know this,
yet you continue to hurt me. Why shouldn’t I think that it’s intentional or
that you don’t care about me when I have been so vehement about these issues?
You make me feel like less
of an afterthought, which means you rarely factor my feelings in. I’ve told you
how certain actions of yours make feel, but you continue to do them. I have
expressed to more times than I should have to about how I view these actions as
attacks, insults, how it makes me feel like a maid. Instead of trying to
understand me you dismiss me and make me feel like I’m crazy and being
unreasonable. I know that I’m off, but as my mate you’re not supposed to make
me feel that way because your opinion has so much weight on how I feel about
myself. I feel worthless. I feel that my life is pointless. I feel fat and
ugly. I feel as if I am a burden, and that I’m better off dead because the most
important people in my life would at least get enough money to take care of
themselves for a while. As my husband it’s your job to uplift me and reassure
me, but you don’t. You just help me dig a bigger deeper hole of depression and
disappointment. I’ve told you that one of the reasons I feel fat and ugly is
because you won’t have sex with me. I don’t care that I have fifty other guys
telling me different because their opinions do not matter. I know your reasons
for not having sex with me, but I told you there are other things you can do to
make me feel as if you still desire me, but you don’t. Why should I not feel
undesirable or question what’s wrong with me? It has to be me. It is always my
fault. Everything is always my fault because I am a waste of space.
I’m trying to change my
outlook, my vengeful ways, but you are not helping me. I try not to fall into
my destructive cycles. Instead of catching me as I fall you push me, which
accelerates my descent. I need a lot of love, attention, and patience, but you
don’t give me those things anymore. How can you say you love me when you
continue to do things that hurt me knowing I will boil over and retaliate to
try to get you to understand my hurt? Instead of fixing the problem you make it
worse by not addressing the real issue. I know a lot of things are my fault,
but at what point are you supposed to take responsibility and say to yourself,
“If I didn’t do these things then maybe she would change like she said”? You
don’t trust me and you make me feel as if you need have. I feel that you are
very insecure. Have you actually taken the time to analyze why you don’t trust
me? You claim that it’s my track record, but you refuse to believe that treated
me badly before you knew. Back then I did nothing at all for you to ever doubt
and you did anyway. You have issues that you need to work on. I have done all I
can, but I get nowhere because you dismiss me and insult me. You hurt me every
day. As I was writing this I was crying because I fear you won’t take the time
to read this or worse you will and you just will dismiss it like you have done
so many times before. You don’t want to support me emotionally, but you want to
get mad when I turn to someone else. You complain about buying my gas and
paying my phone bill, but you’ll get mad if I let someone else do it.
There is just so much more I
can say, and that is terrible. I don’t want you feel like I’m blaming you or
trying to make you feel guilty. I’m trying to get you to understand why I can’t
go with you. We are stuck in a rut, and we cannot get out together
unfortunately. When we are apart for extended periods I feel so appreciated,
loved, and important. I want that again. I need for us to shed these negative
images we have of each other. There is
no way we can continue the way we are now. You say that you want me to be
responsible and independent, but you won’t let me go to do those things. Why
should I move 3,417 miles away from my family, who are more than willing to
provide me the emotional support I need, to be with a person who does not
listen to me, makes me feel so small, is emotionally abusive, no longer has the
patience to deal with me, has such a negative image of me, and refuses to
compromise or understand my side.
What
I Need for You to Do
v Take
out the trash and clean your bathroom
v Pick
up behind yourself so I don’t feel like a maid
v Express
that you desire me even if you can’t execute
v Trust
me when I’m on my meds
v Talk
to me
v Stop
shutting me out or down because you don’t know what to do
v Be
clear, direct, and honest with me
v Understand
that I am not normal
v Be
patient with me
v Understand
that it is hard for me to understand things without a why
v Get
help about your problems
v Stop
letting the past hold us back
